MASS TRANSIT: LIFE ON THE SEATTLE METRO

IF YE ARE PREPARED YE SHALL NOT…

…get to where you’re going on time.

This is not new news, obviously.
The bus is slow and ridiculous.
We get it.

That’s why when I was headed to a work meeting I left AN HOUR early. Thinking, if all else fails and I get there early I can read or get some work done. Well, everything was looking promising: the bus showed up on time, I had exact change, I didn’t have to sit next to anyone foul, and the bus driver looked competent. Success.

BLAM.
crunch.

That’s right, 3 blocks into the trip some sweet little Honda hit the back of the bus. And while it was amazing that a bus takes no impact in such a situation, this was obviously not helpful in getting me to my meeting on time. Police had to come. Reports had to be filed. And I had to start walking.

I’m starting to think that more often than not I pay $2.25 to lather up in skeetch to then turn around and take it to the streets.

*Disclaimer: I realize that many of you might argue this scenario can not be blamed entirely on the bus system. You’re wrong. It brings this fate upon itself. You have no idea how many times I think about ramming the back end of the bus in payback for all the years it kept me hostage and now for all the times it pulls out in front of my car just because it’s bigger. Thanks Honda! Thank you for taking the brunt and insurance hike so I don’t have to.

LIKE A GAZELLE, BUT DEFINITELY NOT AS FAST

People, you’re in luck. I’m back!!!!

Last week I started a temporary job where it is impossible to park.
So, naturally, I did what I do best…grabbed my plastic gazelle head, a baguette, and stood at the bus stop for almost an hour.

True story.

I got the gazelle head from my new job. Its just that awesome.

The bus, still not that awesome.

GIFT OF TONGUES

Remember that one time in the Bible when God decided to confound the language of the people building the Tower of Babel and they all started talking jibberish? Well, sometimes I think God is trying to pull that card again with me and the people on the bus.

I listened to ol’ chatterbox sitting behind me for over a half hour trying to figure out if he was actually speaking another language or if he was just straight up crazy.

And the verdict is…yep, struck dumb.

One, he could have cared less if he were talking to a human or an umbrella. And two, at several points in his “conversation” there was an extended humming sound and an occasional whistle. 

Tower of Babel must have been pandemonium. 

BUS SKEETCH

A million car fresheners couldn’t solve what years of people skeetch has established on the Seattle metro.

There are certain buses and certain seats in particular that literally just reek of the unkempt, unbathed, un-awesome people who sat there before you. 

Being one who believes in hygiene and practices it daily, sniffing into the collar of my jacket is the only thing that saves me at times. 

But not today. Today I got on the bus after a long run. I am certain that I was smelly and sweaty. And, yet, while I was sitting there I felt a sense of pride and payback for all the times I wanted to die from those who’s odors I cursed.

So, who wins this time metro?! That’s right, as always, none of us. Punked again. 

WINDOW SEAT

So, sometimes I bus stalk people.

You know, stare at the people singing to themselves in the car next to us, watch people get drenched in bus gutter splashes, laugh at people trying to keep rhythm in the gym step class, and sometimes, just sometimes you can see into peoples houses. 

The other day was a good day.

I look over at a house on Roosevelt and all I see is glitter and sequins. Yep, that’s right, a room packed full of at least 20 beauty pageant girls. 

Random.

TAKE A SEAT

There are two types of seats on the bus: the perpendicular and the parallel. 

Now, you may not think either of those options would be significant, but that’s where you’re wrong. 

Lets discuss the parallel. These seats are always in the very front and the very back. If you’re riding the accordion, you will gain 4 additional parallel seat options in the middle.
Positive: Front of the bus makes for quick escapes and plenty of leg room. And sitting in the accordion fold, well that’s just plain fun.
Negative: Always facing sideways. Back of the bus can get real sketchy. And sometimes you have to move for elderly and wheelchairs (which being a good citizen I don’t mind, but makes you regret not taking a perpendicular seat in the first place).

Now on to the perpendicular. These are the rest of the seats. Rows and rows of perpendiculars. Two seats on either side of an aisle.
Positive: Seats facing towards the front window. It is very important to know where your next stop is before you see it pass out the side window. Two seats means you and hopefully no one else. At worst, only one crazy to sit by. 
Negative: Now this is where the perpendicular really loses points. First, not a lot of leg room (not that it matters with my squatty legs). But most importantly is there are people in front and in back of you. The people in front I don’t worry about, I can keep an eye on them, it’s the ones in back that get me nervous. Because of that fact alone, I have experienced the following: I have been sneezed on. Whispered to. And most disturbing of all, had my hair petted…multiple times. 

Again, I leave needing to sanitize my body. Maybe its just better to stand.

WALK IT OUT

Sometimes I play this game. Well, I don’t know if you would call it a game per se, but I have this rule: If I get to a bus stop and the bus isn’t there, I have to keep walking to the next stop. If the bus is not in viewable distance when I reach the next stop, same thing, keep walking. 

Usually the bus catches up within a few blocks or so. Other times, for instance last week, I was at my bus transfer at the bottom of the University District and in standard form I decide to start the walk to the first stop, not there, keep walking. Second stop, nothing, just keep on keepin on. Third, fourth, fifth…nothing. Thirty minutes later I had walked the entire way home. And with perfect timing, as soon as I got to my house, the bus showed up. Awesome.

Now, lets be honest, there were times on that walk that I was just so angry at the stupid bus system in general. Mad that I don’t have a car. Mad that I constantly feel the urge to sanitize my hands, face, and any other body parts that touch the bus. Mad that I’m 27 and have lost a certain amount of independence. Mad that quite literally the people I see most frequently in my life are the people who ride the 48 and 49 bus (who are not necessarily the people I would want to see most often). Just frustrated mostly.

It was late and I was tired, but you know what, I got home. I walked in my house and had to take a moment to remember that.

Yes, this blog has a tendency to side with sarcasm, but sometimes, just sometimes the metro teaches me something about life. I really did have this moment where I thought, you know what, you just walked home. Ideal? Maybe not, but I knew I’d get there eventually…by foot or by bus. And sometimes life isn’t ideal. You know where you want to be and it would be awesome if you could get there quickly and efficiently, but sometimes it takes a bit more effort and sometimes not by the way we planned.

I think what’s important is that I just keep walking. If the bus isn’t in sight…well, you know the drill. I guess you can stand around waiting for the next bus to arrive, but if you haven’t figured it out yet, the longer you stand there the more crazies you’re bound to encounter and the more frustrated you’ll be if the bus is late.

So life lesson from the metro: If you know where you want to go, but life doesn’t seem to making it easy to get there…I suggest keep walking.

Oh, and avoid the crazies. 

METRO MAMMOGRAMS

The following blog may not be suitable for children under the age of 5. And for that matter, it may not be suitable for any human over the age of 5 either. 

There are many bus stops that should be avoided at all possible costs. One in particular being the stop next to my house. Not only can you pick up a skeetch burger from the Jack In The Box, but get groceries from the Un-Safeway, burritos 24 hours a day at Memos, and drugs from one of the many Ave rats. And on this particular day, I found out those weren’t the only perks to the corner of 50th and University Ave. 

The typical street people were out in full force so I did my best to keep to myself. You know, keep your head down, headphones in, talk to no one sort of look. (This works in many social contexts)

Out of all my bus peeps there was only one girl that appeared to be normal. She was about 20, clean, only wearing one pair of pants, and was holding a stack of books. My thoughts, a UW student. The girl starts to talk to me, asking if I am a student and what I’m studying. I answer and return the questions.

Then, she laughs. In my face.
Quite literally, comes closer and starts laughing in my face.

Okay.

Crazy radar is starting to flicker. I roll with it and slowly step away. 

She steps closer and gives me a hug. 

So, at this point I start to realize that she’s not fully there. Whether she’s on drugs or otherwise I don’t know, but obviously social boundaries are not her strength at the moment. I tell her that I have to go and start to walk away. 

She grabs my arm and starts laughing again. 

Crazy radar definitely in the red at this point. 

Now, the entire time I try to be nice about the matter because she really does seem kind but not totally “in this world” so I didn’t think it would be right to shove her off and yell, so I once again tell her I have to leave. 

At this point the crazy-o-meter would have rocked the charts. 

She reaches over and grabs my chest. Double handed.
Followed by a laugh, naturally. 

I’m fairly certain I wasn’t due for my annual check up, so I yelled NO to ol’ crazy hands and I took my invaded personal bubble elsewhere. 

Again, she laughed. I really do think she was crazy.

I am finding that the phrase “did that really just happen” is all too familiar here in Seattle.  

MOUNTAIN VS METRO

Working on a Saturday isn’t ideal, but it happens. But something that almost NEVER happens on a Saturday in Seattle is the sun actually shining. Yes. Sun. Beating down on my face, warmth. My body nearly rejected it.

In honor of this glorious day, I decided to take my hot ride of a mountain bike to the studio on Capitol Hill. (Let me please pause here to tell you that mountain bikes are snubbed by bike elitists here in Seattle. You know what I say to them, fill your pot holes and level out your sidewalks and I won’t feel like I need monster shocks to protect my life! Now go get on your fixed gear with your tight pants and be gone!) Anyway…

As I strapped on my helmet—so help me if I ever need that sort of saftey—I thought I would test out the Metro. Me versus the bus. Who would make it there faster?

Now, knowing nearly every downfall of the bus system, I knew it would need to stop at the corner of every block, it would stop at almost every light, and if it was a good day the bus driver may or may not abandon the vehicle for a short amount of time. I was certain to win.

And I WAS winning. I successfully peddled ahead of the bus by at least half a mile by the time I had reached the University District. And I was picking up speed!

HOWEVER; things were about to take a drastic turn. I had failed to remember that previous to this biking adventure I had spent the last 3 months eating holiday treats, doing as little as possible, and I had also drastically underestimated the word HILL that encompasses Capitol Hill. 

Sure enough, that town is ON TOP of a hill. A big one. I nearly died. 

One mile into that Hill, the bus passed me.

It doesn’t end there though. That would be depressing and not post worthy. I tell you, that hill flattens out eventually and, once again, I return victorious! 

FROM HOME TO STUDIO:
Average time by bus: 0:45
Today by bike: 0:35

Awesome. I win. 

ROUTE DENIED

Kris Kross said it best in their 1992 hit, “I Missed the Bus” which goes a little like this:

I missed the bus.. I missed the bus..

I went to bed late but I didn’t think late would EFFECT ME
Early came around then late wouldn’t LET ME
Wake up—WAKE UP—so I can get dressed
I guess my body was mad ‘cause I gave it no rest
And when I finally did awake it was a quarter to 8:00
Jumped in the shower and I know I was late
But I ran down hill and I RUSHED RUSHED
I ran down the hill TRYIN TO CATCH THE BUS
Now I’m hopin to myself everything is cool
Standin on my block like a fool
But I’m all alone and the bus is gone

I missed the bus
I missed the bus 
And that is somethin I will never ever ever do again

——

For those of you who missed the finer things in life, such as Kris Kross, well, first off I feel sorry for you; second, you should know they wore their clothes backwards (trends these days can’t even touch that magic); and finally, google search that hot stuff already—its the year 2009—what else are we going to do with technology?